THE NEED TO CONTROL
It is understandable to have the need for some control over
our lives, the feeling or sense that we are in control and that life is going
in the right direction, so we can direct our lives in pursuit of our goals and
passions. However, when the need for control becomes excessive, it can cause
more harm than good wherever applied, whether it is in your relationships,
business, career, or your overall sense of wellbeing. But the line between
healthy and toxic control is gray and is easily crossed. In fact, most of us
have crossed that line one or many times in our lives, and some have stayed in
the toxic level, sometimes thinking that they are still exercising a healthy control.
Many people hold onto control, consciously sometimes but
mostly unconsciously, thinking that control is the best path to take, the
straightest line between them and a desired goal or outcome. But what they do
not realize is that control is the product of our attachment to outcomes, our
need for things to happen in a certain way, in the way we want them to go. As
if the way we want them to go is the best or “right” way. We try to control
things because of what we think will happen if we don’t. In other words,
control is rooted in “fear,” in our conscious or unconscious insecurities mostly
coming from childhood and/or our need for perfection. Perfectionists are
naturally rigid and have a hard time being flexible and pivoting when big or
small changes arise because things must, should, have to be a certain
way.
“Some people need control because they grew up in an
environment where they had very little of it. As kids, they were surrounded by
chaos or inconsistency. Maybe their parents struggled with extreme moods or
addiction, or repeated cycles where they were emotionally unavailable and then
overly involved and intrusive. Maybe they grew up with many different
guardians,” said Tanvi Patel, LPC-S, a psychotherapist specializing in
work with high achieving adults and adult survivors of trauma.
“These kinds of situations make it difficult or even
impossible to develop healthy attachments—and it’s our attachments with
caregivers that dictate how we see ourselves and how we see the world,” Patel
said. “While the chaos and inconsistency don’t always follow us, the need for
stability does, and as adults, controlling things helps us feel stable,
powerful and that ‘things will be OK,’ something we probably never felt as
children.”
In many cases, it is not even control what people are
looking for but the sense of control, which is what you experience when someone
with more authority than you like a parent, boss, coach or alike is the one
providing the control and the security you need to feel comfortable. But for
those who need control or a sense of control, the need often feels insatiable.
If we add to our fears, insecurities and perfectionism today’s strong emphasis
on results-based education/society, learning to and having control seems to be
essential to success, at least on appearance, but is it?
The answer is a simple “no.” No matter how much you try to
control, it is impossible to control everything all the time. And the more you
invest yourself in controlling anything, the more you are going to hurt
yourself. As things do not go the way you want, you will be left with a feeling
of anxiety, frustration, anger, overwhelmingness and/or disappointment. Just
look back and count how many times you have felt one or more of these feelings
in the past when dealing with relationships, your job, your career, your
hobbies/sports, and even your life. Letting go of control means more joy,
freedom, peace, connection and support.
What people do not realize most of the time is that, in
reality, “the best way to control is not to control at all, to completely
and utterly surrender.” Everything goes much smoother when we allow things
to happen instead of making them happen.
The fact is that when you control anything, you are the
one being controlled by what you are trying to control. Take parenting for
instance. When parents set rules and regulations to control the children and
the children break those rules, they usually get angry, disappointed or upset.
If this is true, then your state of being is controlled by the behavior of the
children who are the source of your control. In other words, what you are
trying to control is actually controlling you. If your state of being, how
you feel, depends on how well your children, the weather, your boss, your job,
your spouse, your car, the traffic, etc. meet your needs and expectations, then
you are setting yourself for a very bumpy ride in life.
People who want to control and micromanage everything are
very willing to change others and their circumstances, but not so willing to
change themselves. Unfortunately, the person who needs change the most is
yourself. Surrender to life. Life is like a stream. It has a
certain flow to it. If you are willing to tap into the flow, you
will be able to ride the flow. Resist the flow and you find yourself
struggling. It’s like taking a roller coaster ride. When you are on the roller
coaster, the only thing you can do is to surrender and follow the movement of
the car on the roller coaster. If you try to control, resist, and go against
the natural flow, you will end up with, at least, a stiff neck after the
ride.
It is easy. We all have plans, but life has other plans for all of us. If you fight against life, you will sooner or later lose. Living life like that is very hard and exhausting. Stop fighting and start swimming with the flow, not against it. Allow life to unfold in front of you with all its majesty and splendor, and you just enjoy every little second. As you surrender, as you let go, as you become more conscious, life will stop working against you, will stop being an accident as it seems and will start working for you. Solutions to the problems and opportunities will appear without looking for them or with minimum effort, your work and relationships will flow smoothly with little or no confrontation or effort, etc. The best life rider is the one that rides life as one! There is no difference between you and life. You are life! Life does not exist if you do not exist. That simple!
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Author: Maurice Correa
Website: pathtoone.com
Blog: p2oblog.blogspot.com
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